The Trials of Manliness
by LaxusPlayer
Summary: When Elfman decides to finally tell Laxus about him and Evergreen, he is forced to endure several trials to prove his worth. But when Gildarts also joins the fray beside Laxus, it becomes more a test of can he survive rather than can he pass. Will he win Evergreen, or will he win a one way ticket to meet Hades?


The Trials of Manliness

_A/N: So I was commissioned to do another fic with Gildarts and Laxus in because apparently they are funny together. At the same time however I was asked to do a ElfmanxEver fic and well...I came up with a genius plan to merge them together (queue evil laugh). Thought are in italics. Enjoy..._

_-At the guild-_

"Just man up and tell him already!"

"B-but what if he kills me?!"

"Oh please! I thought you were the manliest of men?!"

"Yeah well your shaking knees don't fill me with confidence..."

"JUST GO IN AND DO IT!"

Summoning up all of his courage, Elfman took a deep breath in and walked over to the table that was currently occupied by the rest of the Thunder God Tribe. He and Evergreen had been dating in secret for about a month now, and she felt that the time had finally come for them to make their relationship public. As usual however everyone already knew about it, but they tried to be patient and waited for the two to come out and tell everyone before doing anything.

Gulping, Elfman said a quick prayer to the gods before he faced the deity of lightening. "Um...Laxus..."

The blonde-haired man looked up from his drink. "The fuck do you want?"

"_Oh god oh god oh god oh god..._" The take-over mage straightened up in an attempt to use his height to boost his confidence. This failed. "Well...you see...Ever and I..."

"Just get to the point. I'd hate to have to beat it out of you." He mumbled before returning to his beer. Last night had been pretty rough. As usual he had been going out for a hell of a lot of pre-Christmas drinking with Cana and the gang which, as always, resulted in a killer hangover. What he didn't need now was some bloated muscle man talking with a booming voice about something he probably didn't give a shit about.

"We're dating." Elfman froze and shut his eyes, expecting to be blasted into the next life.

"...that's great kid, now fuck of-..."

"I think you're forgetting about the trials buddy." Bickslow cut him off. Being the designated carrier-home, he was pretty much the only one at the table who had normal brain function. And by god was he going to use all of it to screw over Evergreen. "You know, trials of manhood?"

Laxus painfully turned his head to look at his subordinate. "The trials of what now?"

"The trials of manhood. You know, the trials you have to go through when you date someone in our tribe." He gave a subtle wink so that the lightening mage could twig on.

"I was never informed of these..." Ever said, boldly stepping out from behind her boyfriend's back for the first time in the conversation.

"Well erm...its only known by a select few. Namely me and Laxus."

"Aye!" Laxus agreed, finally picking up on what was happening. "Yes; he shall have to go through the trials to prove himself." Once Laxus had caught sight of the ruse, he immediately felt rejuvenated and began planning the torment in his head. "You have to pass three trials; a trial of strength, a trial of endurance and a trial of compatibility. Do you accept these challenges?"

Elfman, who as usual had no clue what was going on, nodded. "I...erm...agree."

"Excellent!" Laxus stood up grinning. "I warn you now though; you're going to be as fucked as Cana was last weekend."

"Interesting choice of words you have there..." Gildarts growled, melting through the shadows in defence of his daughter.

"_I swear to god the man has a spidey sense for this shit!_" Luckily Laxus was quick witted enough to save himself and the rest of Magnolia from the coming storm of the crash mage. "Well volunteered! See Elfman there needs to be a minimum of two other people who perform the trials with you."

He gave a hopeful wink to the older mage, who thankfully caught on to the scheme and dropped any notice on the previous comment. "Oh is this the er...trials?" Laxus nodded. "Ahh yeah sure; I'll do that. You doing this with me sparky?"

"Of course, such is the tradition."

"Excellent!" The pair looked at the now quivering Elfman. "They start in an hour on the mountain about three miles east of here. Better go prepare yourself." Gildarts turned and headed to the bar for a quick drink.

Laxus on the other hand gave the most menacing look he could. "Or in your case, better pray to your gods." With that he began walking to the destination with Bickslow and a very confuddled (yes I love that word :P ) Freed in tow. Gildarts finished his pint and then followed them.

Evergreen looked at her boyfriend, who was now as white as a sheet. "Elfman...you don't have to..."

The rest of the guild, who had been listening the entire time all extended their right arms in the classic 'Fairy Tail is behind you' pose. Going against one of the two S-Class men was a suicide mission, but both...well that was guaranteed to kill you in the next life as well.

"I sort of wish I was you..." Natsu started but shuddered halfway through. Even he wasn't that crazy.

Evergreen looked at the quaking mountain of muscle beside her. "You don't have to do this..."

"No...I do! I...I am a man right?" Taking a deep breath he managed to stop himself shaking. "I'll do this and prove how manly I am!"

The fairy next to him gawked in disbelief. "Are you insane?! They'll kill you!"

A small smile came to his face. "Probably, but a mans man never quits!" With that said he immediately went to the bar to get as drunk as possible. The less he could feel the better.

-_An hour later at the burial-...I mean trial area-_

"Holy shit the idiot actually came!" Laxus yelled, pointing and laughing at Elfman who was walking to his inevitable demise.

"Fucking psychic psycho..." Bickslow muttered, handing over yet another wad of cash from yet another lost bet.

Gildarts went over to greet the young man. "Well good on you kid! I mean this is totally batshit insane on your part, but by god good on you!"

Elfman gave him a sickly look before stopping before Laxus. "So...what's the first trial again?"

"Wait a minute man, the lacrima cameras aren't up." Looking over to Freed he tapped his wrist. Nodding, the rune magician finished connecting two wires and a huge screen flashed on with Makarov's huge face dead in the centre of it.

"_Thank god!_" Elfman though, "_He'll put an end to this right?! I mean he has a duty to protect everyone in the guild, r-right?_"

"Laxus..." Makarov began in a solemn voice before smiling and waving some money. "500 jewels says he dies after the first trial!"

"MASTER!" Mira shouted in the background before transforming and pummelling her leader into dust. When she finished she looked at Laxus. "If you hurt my brother I'll..."

"You'll what, get drunk and hit on me again like you did last night?" As she blushed he grinned. "Don't tempt me like that."

"Ok lady killer let's get this over with." Gildarts groaned. He didn't mind helping Laxus screw people over, in fact he mostly enjoyed it, but today he was a bit stiff.

Signing, Laxus cleared his throat and looked at Elfman. "Ok then, so let us begin these...uh...trials. The first part of the strength one? Yeah it was strength right?" Bickslow gave him a thumbs up. "Yeah the strength one. Show us how strong you are by doing something strong."

Elfman smiled a bit at that one. Comparing his own muscle mass to the other two men in front of him, he could clearly see that he was going to pass this test. "Right then, time to show you how strong a real man is!" Walking over to the nearest boulder, he placed his hands around it and lifted it above his head. "There! This must weigh...at least a couple...of tonnes!" He let it drop to the floor with a loud bang before grinning triumphantly. "Let's see what you have then!"

It was when Laxus returned the grin that Elfman realised just how fucked he was. "Sure thing monster man." Casually strolling over to the base of a nearby mountain, he pulled back his fist and struck the ground with a large blow. Nothing happened for a couple of seconds, but eventually a huge crack appeared in the side that ran all the way up to the tip. The entire thing came crashing down around him, making Elfman, Bickslow and Freed all rush for cover while the two S-Class men simply laughed and let the rocks break on them. "Good enough for you oh man of steel?"

Elfman eventually crawled out from underneath the rubble gasping for air. "What...the fuck...are you...?!"

"The guy who's going to be screwing your sister." The wink made Mira at the other end blush even more. Cana just laughed and told her "Lucky lucky girl."

Next it was Gildarts turn. "I'd destroy another mountain but I think the scenery is already fuck up enough. Hmm..." He looked over and spotted a boulder that was at least three times the size of the one Elfman lifted. He clapped in its direction and it split in two. "So did I pass too?"

Elfman let out a small whimper before looking up to the huge screen in the sky. "If...no, when I die...give all of my things to Mira, Lisanna and Evergreen." Everyone back at the guild went "awwww!" together, which just made everyone else there in the actual trial grounds laugh.

"Ahh sentiment. Remember when I had it Gildarts?"

"Haha yeah I do! You were boring as hell back then."

"So I'm not boring now then?"

"Hmm...well I guess compared to the other idiots here you're kinda fun..."

"...I'll take it. Right then fresh meat!" He walked over and placed a hand on Elfman's shoulder. "I'm going to be nice and combine the next trial along with the rest of this one."

The hulking man's eyes widened. "R-really?! You'd do that for me?!"

Laxus smiled. "Sure I would buddy!" The smile then turned into an evil grin. "COMMENCE THE TRIAL BY BATTLE!" He screamed before backhanding the larger man through the pile of rocks.

"W-w-wait!" He stammered, backing away from the dragon slayer. "Can't I pick an easier opponent?! Someone more my level to fight?!"

"I think you mean opponents." Gildarts added before cracking his knuckles. "And no, no you can't. A manly man like you should be able to take on an old man and a pikachu right?"

Elfman had never been this scared before in his entire life. "I...that's not...I'm going to die aren't I?"

"Yep." The said in unison before extending their hands to deliver the killing blow.

"WAAAAIT!" Mira yelled over the lacrima vision. "THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR!"

"What was that Mira? I couldn't hear you over the sound of me kicking your brother's ass. Again." Laxus called, his attack almost fully charged.

Mira looked desperately at Makarov. "Master please!"

Makarov just shrugged. "Nah man this is fucking awesome." He then yelled to his grandson "Don't aim for the head or you'll kill him in one hit! Make it interesting!"

"Got it Gramps!" He replied and lowered his arm to aim for a much...softer area. Elfman yelped.

Mira turned frantically to her best friend. "Cana please! Do something!"

Once again the master of the guild tried to stop her. "Cana if you do anything but encourage this fight I'll pour all the alcohol down the drain."

Cana simply gave him a grin that would make her father proud. "Oh please Master; I'm only going to make things a little more interesting..." Moving closer to the screen, she shouted "Hey Laxus! I'm pregnant!"

Now here we see two very different reactions to the same stimulus. Laxus, on the one hand, froze at this moment and began shaking. "I...you...but I wore a...how long...what?!"

Gildarts on the other hand found himself very mobile and not at a loss for words. "THAT'S IT SPARK PLUG YOU'RE DEAD!" Turning the attack to the blonde, he ramped up the power to maximum before firing it and following it up with a punch that knocked the younger man into orbit. As per usual here, Elfman shit himself at this sight.

"AHAHAHAHA this is golden!" Cana cried, tears streaming down her face.

Mira, however, was a mixture of happy and sad. "Oh...congrats Cana. I didn't know you and he were..."

Cana out an arm around the white haired model. "Relax Mira its just a joke. I'm not really pregnant at all he he. I mean c'mon; who the hell would want to have kids with that freak?"

"Yeah...who..." Mira looked away and smiled to herself. "_So he's still available..._"

"Gildarts calm down!" Makarov yelled. "We don't want a repeat of last time! The budget won't cover it! She's not pregnant after all."

Immediately the red haired man looked up and glared at everyone watching him, causing the entire guild bar Cana to miss a heartbeat. "Really Cana?" The brunette nodded and a smile broke onto his face. "Thank god! He's a cool kid but I wouldn't have him as a son-in-law. Now Elfman...actually wait a minute."

Jumping straight up into the sky, the crash mage caught the now falling S-Class 'father-to-be' with his fist. The shock wave that followed knocked the tops off all the nearby mountains and yet again the none-S-Class trio had to run for cover from the debris. When the two finally connected with the ground, Gildarts threw Laxus to the floor and fixed his cloak.

"I...oh god..." Laxus groaned, more dazed from the news than the actual damage. Any one else of course would have died from the first hit, but luckily ol' sparky was as strong as ever.

"That was for fucking my daughter again." Gildarts growled. "Luckily for you she isn't pregnant."

"Oh thank god!" Laxus shouted before slowly getting up. "No offense to your daughter man, she's great but..."

"Just shut up before I wipe the floor with you."

"...cool." After exchanging a bro fist to make up, they turned once again to the cowering muscle man. "I'll let you off easy I guess." Laxus said before causing a lightening bolt to shock Elfman. Sadly for him, 'let you off easy' was measured in Laxus' insane standards, which meant the bolt almost killed the poor guy.

"Same here." Gildarts muttered and simply flicked the crumpled mage on the face, causing him to fly almost a mile back towards the city and crash through several buildings.

"I...passed?" He groaned and the rest of the guild rushed out to find him.

"Sure; just one more to go." Laxus quipped, having followed his flight path as a lightening bolt.

-_At the nearest bar_-

"The final test!" Laxus proclaimed, holding a mug of ale up to the sky. "Keep up with our drinking."

"...*sniffle*" Was all Elfman could muster as he painfully swallowed his drink.

"So what're we doing for Christmas this year kid?" Gildarts asked, chugging his pint like a boss.

"The same thing we do every year..." Laxus began and they chinked their glasses together while screaming "TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!" (_A/N: I'm planning on doing some christmas fics at some point so look out for those :P _)

"Hey remember last year when you convinced Natsu that Santa had been kidnapped by a Dark Guild?"

"Of course! That shit was hilarious!"

"Didn't he end up getting arrested for barging in to some random guild and beating everyone up whilst screaming 'The children need their presents!'"

"He he yeah. Then he ended up crying because you told him they'd killed Santa and burned his workshop. Nice touch old man!"

"I have my moments." Gildarts grinned and finished his second pint. Throwing a curious eye over their broken third wheel, he sighed. "C'mon kid; you're falling behind. Down that pint!"

Elfman sighed and did as he was commanded. "What does it matter anyways, I've already failed. You guys are way more manly than me. Besides; Laxus will never let me date Ever. She's too good-..."

"The fuck you talking about man?!" Laxus cried, shooting him a disgusted look. "You've already passed the trials or whatever they are."

"R-really?!"

"Of course you have! Hell you came to do trials against the two strongest men on the planet and never backed down. Now if that's not manly I don't know what is!"

"Besides," Gildarts added, "We like you. Honestly the trials were just done to screw with you a bit. I'm ok with you dating Evergreen and by that logic Laxus is too. Hell even if he isn't I'd just hit him enough times until he agreed haha."

"You could try." Laxus grinned and bought the next round.

Elfman by this point was almost in tears. "B-b-but I'm nowhere near as strong as either of you?! You could both mop the floor with me whilst writing a novel!"

Laxus shrugged. "Strength isn't everything. I learned that the hard way but meh, you win some you lose some." He took a swig of his beer before continuing. "You've got balls and that's what counts. Plus I'm pretty sure Evergreen would never shut up if I actually told her no. Not that I care enough to but still...ahh you get the picture."

And so on that night Elfman passed his man trials and was allowed to date Evergreen. Not that that was ever in doubt but still, it was a fun trip. Also a Christmas miracle. I mean the guy survived both Gildarts and Laxus! Christmas Miracles all round...

_A/N: Hope you all enjoyed this :) I'll be getting to work on the Christmas Fics as soon as possible, so keep an eye out for them :) Read, review and recommend more stuff for me to do :)_


End file.
